It can be heartbreaking for a woman to realize that her husband is not interested in doing any chores related to baby/kids. Husband not helping with baby care can take toll on your physical & mental well-being.
Us 21st century women will agree to that parenting is a 2 people job. A father is equally responsible for raising the kids. But the conflict arises when a man shows no or minimum interest with kids. He might be a very caring husband & equally loving father. But he might be spending a lot of time with his office-work or gym. As a result, he shows no interest in changing diapers, feeding, or putting the baby to sleep.
In country like India this scenario is very common. You would rarely see a man changing his baby’s diaper or cleaning their toddlers’ accidental pee/poops. Feeding babies, cleaning after their mess, putting them to sleep, comforting them every time they wake up crying from their sleep- these all are considered as women’s duty. It wouldn’t matter if woman is working or homemaker.
It doesn’t mean these men don’t love their babies. Many times, it is more of a stigma attached with these duties imposed by the society.
You may find such scenarios lesser in USA or European countries.
I am not criticizing Indian parenting style. I just want to highlight that these parenting methods worked in past when most Indians lived in big, joined families. Each family had multiple women & all of them looked after the child. Child was loved and raised by their grandma, aunties, big sisters, cousins. Everyone helped with the child.
But with increasing number of nuclear families, responsibility of raising a child is falling on the shoulder of a mother.
While some men participate equally in caring for child, some tend to still shy away from it. Sometimes, older generations don’t like to see men of the house, helping with kids. And due to constant criticism from them, men try to avoid these duties. Or they have never seen a man in the family helping with the kids.
A housemaker mom somehow manages the kid with other household duties. But the pressure is extensive on working moms in such scenarios.
A mom from India or USA, A homemaker or a working mom – All mothers should get support, help & equal contribution from husband while caring for a child.
Below are the tips that might work for you to get help from your partner.
1.Talk to him!
Women tend to give silent treatment to their partners when upset. A men might never realize his mistake.
It’s very important to open and talk about these issues with him. Tell him how you feel about being the only one to care for the baby. Tell him how being responsible for kid 24*7 is draining your energy out.
Do not go argue & play the blame game. Watch your tone while talking. Talk when you are calm & composed. Tell him clearly what you expect from him.
Listen to his side. He may be struggling to keep up with office work. Understand his perspective as well.
Work out as a team & devise a plan that works for you and your family.
2. Get the tasks assigned.
While he might not be able to do everything at start. Start assigning him some baby related tasks. These tasks may vary from family to family.
Example-
- Once your husband is back home from work & rested for a while, he can take baby to the park or for an evening walk. Meanwhile, you can spend some time doing things you like.
- He can put the baby to sleep while you clean the kitchen after dinner.
- My baby loves bathing with his dad in the bathtub. Of course, I dry & dress him up after bath.
- If kids are older, dad can sit with them for few minutes and check their homework.
- Getting enough sleep can be a dream if both parents are working. You are totally exhausted by the whole day’s work & then baby chores. At the end of the day, what you would really need is some good sleep because you also must get up the next morning & run to work. Here, you and your husband can sleep uninterrupted in shifts. you can sleep uninterrupted from 9pm to 1pm, your man can wake up & comfort baby if he cries. Your husband can sleep uninterrupted from 2pm to 6am. You can take care of the baby if it cries during this duration. Of course, you can rest/sleep during other time too if baby doesn’t wake up.
- You can use breast pump & create stash of breastmilk in freezer. Your husband can use this milk to feed the baby while you are asleep.
3. Don’t expect Perfection.
We mothers feel authority towards the baby and baby care. We tend to get irritated if things are not done in a way, we feel are correct.
Give your partner a chance to do something for the baby in his own way. Unless and until there is any harm to the baby, try not to interfere with your husbands’ parenting styles.
He may take some time to adapt to baby related tasks. Do not point out the mistakes constantly.
4. Give your husband some alone time with baby.
To make your husband a confident dad, it’s necessary to let him have quality time with baby.
You can go out with your girlfriends on Sunday & let your husband take care of the baby.
Don’t care about the mess they will make in the house or the lack of vegetables in their meal during this time.
This quality time will strengthen their bond. It will give your husband confidence to look after the baby.
5. Prioritize tasks!
Even after talking & division of tasks, if your husband is still not showing interest in helping with baby, Prioritize your tasks.
- Your baby’s & your health should be your priority (Physical as well as Mental).
- With a small baby to care for, you may not be able to tidy up your house frequently.
- Husband related tasks like arranging his closet, washing his laundry can take backseat.
- You may not cook extravagant dinners. You can choose to cook healthy one pot meals with lots of vegetables.
- If your husband questions you, you can calmly explain to him how difficult it is to take out time for these things.
6. Get External help!
- Babysitter or nursery
Day care centers or nurseries are blessings when both the parents are working. But even if you are a homemaker who is very exhausted & your husband has an equally exhausting job too. You can get your baby enrolled in home-based day care (these are usually cheap compared to bigger established ones).
Sending your kid to nursery or day care even for couple of hours can give you time to relax.
- Cooks or house help
Getting paid external help can be costly in developed countries. You can check this option as per your budget.
In country like India, arranging house help for cleaning & cooking can be easily managed. As per your financial condition you can appoint someone to help with the household chores. In this way you can spend more time with the baby.
7. Don’t be too harsh on yourself.
When it comes to babies, we moms strive for perfection. From their toys to food. We try to give them the best. While doing this, we forget to look after ourselves. We stretch our limits to get everything done perfectly. And in this process, we lose the smile on our face. The joyous task of raising a baby seems to be cumbersome, tedious work.
Try not to be so harsh on yourself. It’s okay if they eat pizza for dinner once in a while. It’s okay if they are not happy with the toys & want to tear up all the newspapers in house. You may skip taking them to the park sometimes when you have period cramps. It’s okay to lie down with them and watch TV for some time.
Don’t be harsh on yourself. Your kids want a happy mom, not a perfect mom. If you are happy, I am sure your kids are going to have a wonderful childhood.
Happy moms raise happy children.
